Wednesday, November 27, 2013

A few thoughts

I think I'm getting better.

Not in the sense of no longer being depressed, but in the sense that some of my symptoms are improving. My mood is better, at least on most days. No longer am I so irritable everyday that I want to snap at people for the smallest of things. I seem to be having more, if not good, than at least not-bad days.

My apathy currently seems to be lifting a little. For a while I was so apathetic I couldn't get excited about news like Illinois voting in same-sex marriage, something that would have had me ecstatic a couple years ago. Now, I care... at least a little. I've been sharing things on Facebook, and I've been tempted to write things again (like, say, this post).

Those may seem like small things to most people (you just click the share button, right? What's the big deal?), but that's where I was at for a bit. I didn't care enough to click a couple times to share a meme or an article. So to me, that little thing is a big victory. It might not last, but for now it's a good thing.

Part of this can be attributed to the continuing therapy sessions, and part of it can be attributed to the meds I'm on. I'm currently on three that help my depression: Wellbutrin, Abilify, and Lunesta to help with insomnia. Not tossing and turning for several hours while I try to sleep, not waking up multiple times in a night, and thus not being exhausted so much, is an indirect but major help.

I've socialized more lately, which is both good and bad. It's good because I've enjoyed it and it shows that I'm improving. It's sort of bad because I have to watch how much I socialize, lest I rebound too far the other way. I need time to myself in order to recharge and stay balanced, and if I socialize too much without giving myself that recharge time, that alone time, I'll end up resenting the social demands, and thus resenting the people I socialize with.

When I'm around others too much, regardless of how much I enjoy the time, I start to feel like there's not enough air in my life, like I can't breath right. I get more tired, and not the good kind of tired that has you feeling satisfied with what you've accomplished, but the kind that makes you irritated and frustrated with life. Recognizing this about myself, I've given myself permission of late to say "no" or "maybe just for a bit" when asked to socialize.

I've done this all along of course, but this time it's a deliberate, conscious decision, and I'm not sure it was before. And I think that's important, and will help me manage my symptoms and myself better in the long run.

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